Pain
by WraithStrike
Summary: Human emotion is pain based and love is nothing more than a masochistic addiction. Hidan's little world has no space for that kind of pain.


"Love me," Hidan says when their bodies are curled around each other in the dark. Kakuzu doesn't want to respond. Hidan is selfish, he knows, taking and taking and giving nothing. Hidan is in his own world, one where he is the center and his religion causes the rest of the world to spin lazily around him. Kakuzu knows he doesn't have a place in that world, nothing has a place that would distract Hidan from himself and his religion. And so he doesn't belong in that world, he is just another admirer in Hidan's little world whose only use is to give.

"I do," he replies, no stranger to pain. Maybe he has a masochistic streak too, it would be the only explanation for such self-destructive behavior. Or maybe there really is a God, punishing him for using others the way he's being used now. Money is reliable, it exists only to be used, so perhaps he's being punished for that too. Maybe Pein really is God. Maybe this is just his idea of a good time, pitting criminals against each other until one of them ends up engulfed in flames. He supposes it doesn't matter, he's part of Hidan's world now.

"Need me," Hidan chokes out as the pike is pulled from his lung. He doesn't try to understand why this was necessary now, Hidan's mind has never been accessible to him. Is he afraid Kakuzu will lose interest? No, Hidan is afraid of nothing. He finds himself thinking that the zealot should be afraid of him, he could snap one day and even Hidan's abilities wouldn't save him. But Hidan is fearless, and so he must be loveless. Pain belongs only to Kakuzu, although love couldn't possibly be anything other than masochistic addiction.

"I do," he says, flicking the blood off the end of the pike. He inspects it for a moment, before bringing it down hard through rib-cage and muscle to pierce Hidan's heart and dig into the dirt. He turns and walks away, ignoring the ecstatic cries behind him. It represents everything they are, an exchange of pain. Except Hidan could never physically harm him and adores every spark of pain delivered to him. They both hurt, but Hidan walks away with everything. But then, that's how it's supposed to work. Hidan has his own world and no one else could become important in it.

"Keep me," Hidan mutters, walking beside him without a single glance to show he said anything. He wonders what Hidan means by that. Keep him safe? He does that. He's never let Hidan's awful planning get the better of him. Keep him healthy? Just as stupid. Maybe to keep him with him? That's a dangerous thought. It would imply that Hidan knows he's a person, capable of emotions and needs. Hidan has no space for that, it would be impossible to widen his tiny world.

"I do," he sighs in the softest voice he's ever used. This is what Hidan wants, and the only cost is pain. Human emotion is pain based, he muses, the cost of everything is pain. Pain is nothing to be upset about, it doesn't even hurt properly anymore. It's been too long since he's felt pleasure, if pain doesn't register as pain and instead as only any old sensation. If pain is like heat, it's been too constant. But then, most of the choices he makes result in pain. He's addicted, even if it burns like it always has and he despises it.

"Love me!" Hidan cries, lurching up as though he's been struck by lightning. Perhaps that's what it's like for him. It's disappointing, and he hadn't even expected anything. There must be a God, he thinks. There's no way everything would fit together so perfectly to create that black hole feeling in the center of his chest. Everything being sucked in, slowly and aching. Maybe he's just growing old. He's been told arthritis isn't fun. But no, it's joints that end up hurting, not muscles. Maybe he just needs to replace that heart.

"Your false god can't hear, Hidan," he replies. Hidan's eyes go wild, he's sure to have upset the zealot now. He ducks out of the room before Hidan can blow up, he doesn't need to deal with Hidan's yelling now. He's got enough yelling inside his head, pounding realizations of everything he doesn't want to know. He doesn't need to know that Hidan hasn't been talking to him, but the knowledge is there and he hates it.

"It's alright," Hidan says, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder as he sits with his head in his hands. Of course it's alright, he wants to shout. Of course it's alright that he's been too sucked up in Hidan's little world to protect himself. Of course it's alright that he knows he'll do anything to feel like Hidan adores him. Hidan has never understood that other people exist, because in his world it's only him. Kakuzu is just another being to admire him, to give and give until there's nothing left of him. And there isn't, all five hearts are already gone.


End file.
